=perilous-dreamer

It is my birthday. I've been thinking alot about life, mostly because it is my birthday. Oh, not in general terms or anything like that. Not about whether my life is good or bad. Life just is and there is nothing we can do to alter the random disasters that befall. Yes, there are some things that are avoidable, but, when you feel like the world is weighing on you because bills are piling up or your car just died, those are things that just happen for no rhyme or reason.

I guess, more than about life, I'm thinking in terms of who I am. I'm no one special really, but at the same time, I like to think I'm unique. Not in fashion or in how I see the world. I'm not the best writer or photo manipulator out there. I'm not the only mother and wife on the planet. I'm not the only daughter. But, all of the little things in my life that I take for granted every day make me who I am.

Once upon a time, someone once asked me if I would change the past if I could. That's a question that is thrown around alot, and people always say yes, they would change some things. But I don't think I would. Not even the things that I regret doing or the bad things that have happened to me. Most people would look at that and go, "You're insane. If you could go back and stop your grandfather from molesting you, why wouldn't you?" Well, the simple and honest answer to that is, if I changed my past, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have the outlook on life that I do and my daughter may not exist.

That doesn't mean I don't have regrets. I regret alot of choices I have made in the past. But, if I had taken a different path when given options, would I still be me? If I hadn't stuck my foot in my mouth that one time, would the person I offended still be my friend? Maybe, but is the sacrifice really worth it? Those are the kinds of things that have been weighing on my mind. I just am.

I will make mistakes in the future. No one is perfect. I accept this. I will be offended again. I will have happy moments and moments of despair. I will rejoice and I will want to crawl under the table and die. I will be embarrassed and I will revel in a random accomplishment. I will bitch and moan and I will uplift others. I will be ashamed and I will be proud. Nothing short of death will alter these things. At some distant point in time, in the future, these things will happen. They are all just a part of life. None of that has changed. What has changed is me. I will handle each situation differently. Hopefully, I will handle them correctly. But life has no guarantees and I may screw myself from time to time. Either way, it doesn't matter because today, on my day, I have come to realize that I am happy with me just being me. It doesn't really matter if no one else likes me. It doesn't matter if I'm the only person in the world who loves me for me. I. Am. Me. And I am content with that.

-Kim